Mass Effect : Reality aka Alice Shepard in Asari-land
by harby
Summary: Aliens have been studying us undercover for centuries. They are here, right now, in secret bases, all over the globe... Most troubling, they look very much like blue space babes with tentacle-hair... This reminds me of a game... What are their purposes ?... Weird things are bound to happen very soon. This is very AU, of course. Allergy warning : may contain traces of xenobiology.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Close Encounters**

* * *

 _ _ **Foreword.**__

 _We're probing Pluto and finding other Earths. Is there a relay on Charon_ _ _?__ _Time to make a crossover between Mass Effect and Reality. The setting is here, and now. This is not about Canon._

 _ **About the story:**_ _The game universe is inverted, for the most part. Asari are hopeless romantics instead of pole are not the overpowered saviors of the Galaxy, but their usual idiot selves. Hair tentacles do flop around. All characters are original (with cameos and some lore from Mass Effect)._

 _Meet Alice Shepard. A simple, normal human, whose shitty life is about to be turned upside down by a very unusual encounter._

 ** _ **Nutritional Facts:**_** _This story contains humor, questionable morals, embarrassing situations, sickeningly romantic love, hot xenobiology, bloody graphic violence, politics, and of course, asari. It starts slow and cute, but it's a trap. There will be no other warnings on top of chapters for all of those things, because you like surprises! Enjoy!_

 _ ** **STORY RATED M FOR A REASON!****_

Thanks for beta/proofreading/suggestions/ideas/reviews go to : Ka'Dira Ezra, bob20978, SVUBenson, YunikoYokai, echographia, A Very Thirsty Megalomaniac.

 ** **.****

* * *

 **E3 2016, L.A. June. Mid-afternoon**

The Cosplay Fashion Show was hitting the main stage hard. The audience applauded and cheered as two scantily-dressed anime kittens bowed and exited stage. Alice squeezed herself between people towards the stage to get a better view as the DJ cued a punchy electronic music track, and two asari cosplayers entered.

One was dressed in Aria's crime boss outfit, and the other, posing as her bodyguard, was wearing extremely realistic-looking armor. Both had pistols. Both were sexy as hell. Nerds gaped. The audience roared.

They danced, pretended to fight and open fire at unseen enemies, made a hell of a show, and at the end, the bodyguard lifted Aria in her arms and carried her, then pretended to kiss her.

The mostly male audience made their approval known with whistles, good-natured cat-calls, and a standing ovation.

Alice found the show spectacular, and admired the result as much as the amount of time, effort and talent such costumes implied. The armor, in particular, seemed _too real_. As the "bodyguard" stomped through the crowd towards the exit, she looked so confident and badass that people stood clear of her path. "Aria" sauntered right behind her.

 _Damn. I wonder how she made that suit. And... I'm focusing more on her armor than on their show. I'm such a nerd._

Then, Aria's eyes met her own, and her heart skipped a beat.

* * *

 **"** **Meet the Stars" booth. Almost end of day.**

As the announcer began pimping the limited collector's edition Geralt Sword (with real silver plating), the CDProjekt Red Witcher 3 booth was overrun by a flash riot. Fans piled up to acquire the precious item, and security had to step in to quiet things down.

Right in front, the Bioware booth was deserted. The famous Mass Effect voice actresses Jennifer and Ali had finished their autograph sessions and were about to leave. They were relaxing and talking to each other. It had gone well, although some fans were still crying about the endings.

A red-haired woman sat down in front of them. She seemed to be in her late twenties, had deep green eyes, and wore a black N7 halter top and jeans. After greeting them, she pulled her knees together and set her hands on top, looking rather shy and embarrassed, as she confessed that she would really love an autograph in the name of Alice Shepard.

Then came the usual confusion, but she was used to explaining all this by now. Yes, it was her real name, and she certainly looked very much like the "real" freckled Shepard, except her smaller, more pointy chin. It was just a coincidence. She had a Ph.D in particle physics, and had never handled a gun in her life. She was a geek, and a huge Mass Effect fan.

The conversation went on as Alice and the two actresses began debating the rumoured existence of a male Shepard character in the game.

When Alice took her leave and stood up, she almost bumped into "Aria", who had been there, patiently waiting for her turn. Seen from up close, she looked much gentler and softer than the Queen of Omega. Her ultramarine eyes lacked that killer stare. She was very cute, not deadly. Her cosplay was perfect, especially her makeup, crest, and skin texture. The exposed skin showing through the sides of her outfit matched the purple on her naked arms, hands, and face.

"Aria" nervously scratched the tip of one of her crest tentacles.

Alice realized she'd been staring, and snapped out of it, embarrassed. "Uh... Sorry... Nice costume!"

She began walking away.

After two steps, Alice stopped and turned around. She heard the cosplayer introduce herself as "Nel." Her voice was very feminine, delicate yet articulated, with an undefinable accent. As Alice began wondering who she might be, why she was so interested in her, and how she could be _that attractive_ , Nel scratched the tip of one of her tentacles again.

Alice moved a little bit further away, but kept observing her. Finally, Nel took leave of the stars with a bashful bow, and walked off.

Alice needed to talk to her, perhaps about her makeup or her costume, or anything else. She'd make up a subject on the way. As she made her way towards Nel, her eyes drifted towards her cute butt, which prevented her from noticing a promotional Pokeball rolling on the floor. She stepped on it and lost contact with the ground, her swearing swiftly interrupted by her head crashing into the armored bodyguard.

* * *

 **At the bar**

The armored girl, who introduced herself as Sharon, had left to buy drinks. Meanwhile, Alice nursed an extremely mild concussion, a very light bruise, and an almost non-existent headache. Nel was sitting in front of her, watching over her, worried in an irresistibly cute way.

Alice looked around. There were other tables, with people eating and drinking, and quite a lot were dressed up or disguised. Colorful advertisement posters were everywhere. She could even spot another asari cosplayer at the other side of the room.

Sharon came back with drinks and set them on the table. She was teal-colored, with light cyan freckles, deep blue eyes, and looked tougher than her mate, not shy at all. Alice noticed the bright colored "Best Cosplay Award" sash around her chest, and smiled. She smiled back to Alice in a calm and reassuring way, then put her hand on Nel's shoulder.

As Nel noticed the award too, Sharon made a little victory dance in front of her, turned a few turns, raised her arms, moving her hips in a very suggestive way. All Alice could do, though, was stare at her armor. It was rather thin, and followed the contours of her body; not skin-tight, but not bulky either. It seemed to be made of an intricate arrangement of hard plates which slid smoothly upon each other, not restricting her movements at all. There were no visible weak spots, even under her arms. It seemed very comfortable. The general color was dark green, with dark grey camo patterns, and a kind of faint shimmer.

Alice just _knew_ something was wrong with this thing.

Nel pouted. "I spent hours on this impractical Aria outfit, and you come dressed for work, and you win! Goddess..."

Sharon pulled another "Best Cosplay Award" sash out of her utility belt pocket, wrapped it around Nel's chest. "We won as a team, peach."

The asari exchanged a tender look, said something to each other in a language that sounded a bit like Japanese but wasn't, and had a quick kiss. Then Sharon sat down.

Nel's smile went from ear-to-ear. Her gums were purplish, but her teeth seemed human, although not in the right number, and her canines were _very_ pointy. She explained  
"She's my bondm... girlfriend".

Alice's eyes were about to bulge out of their orbits as she managed a "God... Wow. Shit. Are you... for real...?"

Nel seemed embarrassed again, and scratched her head. Her tentacles twitched and curled a bit at the tips. Her friend was much more straightforward. She extended a hand to the human, for her to touch and examine.

Alice knocked on her forearm plate, which felt like no craft material she'd ever encountered. A few repaired scratches and impact marks were visible. The armor on her hand looked insanely high-tech. She played with Sharon's fingers, watching as tiny articulated plates arranged themselves to perfectly follow her slightest movements.

Nel, seemingly bolder, also extended a hand. Alice took it and tried to rub the makeup off, just in case... but that didn't work. Her skin felt slightly cooler than the human's and had a firm, velvety, soft texture. Instead of hair, it was decorated with many small, lighter purple freckles, and a few ultramarine. It felt alien, but natural and alive. Nel had a faint citrus smell, enhanced with weird but pleasant chemical tones.

Alice's brain stalled as it finally hit her. They were real.

She offered a very good impersonation of a deer frozen in the headlights of a truck. Sharon chuckled, while Nel looked around, making sure no-one was within earshot. The restaurant was noisy enough, and she seemed to think it would provide adequate cover. She leaned forward and whispered "We have been observing humans for a long time, you know. I am an anthropologist... Your species is so fascinating! Don't worry, we will not harm you. And, oh, yes, we're real asari, we did not come out of a videogame. I'm Nelinara, but please keep calling me Nel."

Alice quickly glanced at their pistols. There was no reason for them to be fake.

Sharon picked up her drink, cleared her throat, then raised her hand. "Alright. Greetings, human! We come in peace. I'm Ch'ara. Cheers!"

The alien was so... relaxed! She had _giggled_! Alice shyly raised her hand too, but everything she wanted to say stayed stuck back in her throat.

The plastic seat creaked under her armor as Ch'ara relaxed back. She explained, casually sipping her drink through a straw. "You know, thanks to this game, now we can go around without spending hours on make-up, as long as there's a gaming or cosplay convention around. Feels great!"

Nel smiled. "We have been looking for a... suitable human to invite inside one of our hideouts. I don't suppose you would be interested?"

Alice's legs tried to push the seat back a little, but it was bolted to the floor. She stared at Nel like a mouse in front of a cat and tried to shrink.

Nel sighed. She seemed sincerely let down by Alice's reaction. She leaned forward a little closer to Alice, extended both hands on the table, and waited. She did a little "come here", and tilted her head, smiling. She seemed so... nice!

Ch'ara had been watching, amused. She sucked on her straw, making an absolutely ridiculous gurgling sound in her empty glass. She smirked "Come on, human... we're trying to be serious here... don't be afraid!" and earned a sigh from her mate.

Alice kicked herself. Her wildest dream was right in front of her, in the form of beautiful and friendly aliens. She had been fantasizing about this since her first space opera movie. That was it!

She cleared her throat, still shuddering, and slowly took Nel's hands.

It was absolutely terrifying.

"Good!" Nel said, enthusiastically. "Now that you've agreed to come with us..."

Ch'ara added, pointing a finger up, "Well, as long as you don't say 'No', we'll take that as a 'Yes'..."

Alice gulped, and finally managed to speak. "Are you going to … eat me or something?"

"Shepard would go," Nel taunted "Besides, we're nice girls... I swear."

They stayed there for a while, talking about what was going to happen next. The aliens did their best to reassure Alice and convince her everything would be fine. They would simply introduce Alice to their _friends,_ have dinner, spend the evening together... just like _normal people_. Then she would go home just fine. Nel could think of _someone_ who would be delighted to meet her, and she was pretty sure Alice would share the feeling.

Alice knew it was fucking insane, but her curiosity and the alien's friendliness got the best of her. They raised from their chairs, and walked towards the exit.

As they walked past a Wookiee, Ch'ara high-fived it and they greeted in their own language. Alice wondered how many of those cosplayers were actual aliens.

"Of course, we can't let you know where we are taking you," Nel explained while they were waiting for a cab. "We are going to abduct you for the night, okay? Cellphone off, please."

Ch'ara went in the cab first to give directions to the driver. Then, Nel ushered Alice in. The driver, who had come to the convention specifically to ogle some hot cosplayer ass, began adjusting his rear view mirror, in which he met Ch'ara's eyes. She gave him the icy death stare. He adjusted his mirror back and remembered he was also a huge Mass Effect fan.

Ch'ara blindfolded Alice with a sleeping mask she had pulled out of her utility belt.

The conversation about the game became animated, with Nel and the driver doing most of the talking. Alice really wanted this. She closed her eyes behind her blindfold, and tried to relax, to let herself go. She focused on Nel's sweet, lilting voice, and after a while, her foot stopped nervously tapping the floor.

 _Shit! I wanted to try skydiving next month... Feels like I forgot my parachute!_

She was in the center, squeezed between Ch'ara's hard armor and Nel's smooth skin. Her body had already chosen sides, and was beginning to lean a bit more on some turns than others.

She felt Nel's hand on her thigh, and twitched. Nel reassured her. "If you want out, say so, okay? Don't jump out the door..."

At some point the Mass Effect endings were mentioned. The rest of the way was dead silent. Alice didn't jump out. They arrived at their destination.

"This is it, girl." said the asari.

 _To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Down the rabbit hole**

 _A/N_ _ _:__ _Sometimes, things seem too good to be true for Shepard.  
._

 **Somewhere around the city.**

Still blindfolded, Alice Shepard felt herself being gently guided out of the car, then through the streets. The madness of what was happening to her was slowly sinking in. It was a very quiet part of the city, and she could hear her heart beating slightly faster at every turn, at every traffic stop.

 _Who's gonna miss me?_

Her life came back at her in a blur. Her parents passing away when she was in high school. Living with her aunt and uncle. College... Ph. D... moving to her dream job in San Francisco, leaving most of her friends behind. Dream turning into hell thanks to her self-indulgent, asshole boss and his brown-nosed minions, her esteemed "colleagues"...

Remembering all this cheered her up. She slowed down her walk. "Can I still say no?" she ventured.

"Of course, Alice," Nel replied, regretfully. "We would bring you back home, but... please..."

She kept going. So much work, so few people she could really count on... Last weekend's hike, alone, had felt so good! Sweating away her thirty-year-old blues, along those steep mountain trails, feeling her body work, emptying her mind. She wasn't that good with people, really.

Alice finally reached that familiar conclusion: her life sucked and would probably keep sucking for the foreseeable future. She'd been dreaming of "something else" for so long...

Right then, Nel stopped and very carefully guided her up a few steps, into a building.

A heavy door swung close. She was taken along what seemed to be a long corridor, counting the ceiling lights shining through the edges of her blindfold. Eventually, she heard the familiar sounds of an elevator door opening, then closing. But it did not move yet.

Her blindfold was taken off. Nel was standing right in front of her, eye to eye, gently but firmly holding her hands. Her voice became stone cold, almost mournful, as she said "Here comes the unpleasant part... There are... two things. First, let me get this out of the way, we will not uplift you technologically right now, so please do not ask. Our rules explicitly forbid it. Sorry about that. Alright?"

Alice nodded, frustrated, but understanding their reasons. Then, Nel added "Second, I am sorry again to ask this of you, but I will have to... look into your mind to make sure we can trust you."

Alice took a step back and bumped into the elevator wall. "Can you really do that?"

"Yes... It is not a sexual thing, but I will see your mind naked. Without your explicit consent, it is rape. If you disagree, we will bring you back home."

She added, as a last-minute thought on a more reassuring tone "I have good feelings about you, Alice. Don't be afraid."

Alice just... accepted what Nel said, closed her eyes and began thinking. Could it really be worse than her damn ex posting her personal diary on his fucking facebook? Those aliens could be dissecting her in an hour or two, and she had already decided to take her chances.

They did it by the asari book: Ch'ara recorded on her suit camera while she expressed her consent, then Nel hugged her. Alice muttered a tiny "omygod" when Nel did, indeed, say "Embrace Eternity" while her eyes turned black.

Alice felt something gently poking at her mind, pressing upon it. It was warm, friendly, curious, eager, but soft and caring. She understood Nel was doing her best not to intrude too much... but it felt like being woken up by a hand softly caressing her hair, without knowing whose hand it was. She spasmed and instinctively rejected it.

Nel blinked her eyes back to normal, and again reassured her. "This time, I'll go slower. Relax." She embraced Alice and attempted again. Alice felt her presence very close to her own mind, then touching it, but not trying to get in yet. Nel was waiting for her call.

Alice attempted to "open her mind", tried to reach for her, sent warm welcoming thoughts which seemed to make Nel giggle, but it didn't really work. Out of options, she imagined a tender kiss.

That did the trick. Nel entered her mind. Alice felt how careful she was not to break anything, not to dig too deep into really intimate memories. She could have seen everything if she'd wanted to, but was only really interested in Alice's personality and motives.

It was very intriguing. Alice tried to poke back at Nel's mind, but all her attempts were foiled by a very surprised, then amused thought, whispering "I am not single, you know..."

Alice opened her eyes. She was sitting on the floor, two smiling asari crouching in front of her. They brought her back to her feet. The lift was definitely moving, but it took its sweet time to reach its underground destination. Slowly, in her mind, all the panic and uncertainty was being washed away by raw excitement. She felt ready.

The lift chimed as it arrived. "Welcome to our hideout!" Nel cheered.

The doors opened to a corridor, then another set of heavy-looking doors with a code lock, which were unlocked from the inside by an asari. She greeted them, then resumed watching her episode of Person of Interest, while scribbling notes. They entered the common room of the hideout. It was spacious, and furnished with sofas, tables, chairs, and a kitchen. Everything seemed to come from IKEA, except some alien-looking computer equipment, and the asari, of course. Five of them in total, lounging, reading, cooking, working on their terminals... Nel introduced them, handed Alice a drink, then lead her to a more private corner of the room with a coffee table and two comfy-looking couches, surrounded by high bookshelves.

"We're going to change into more appropriate clothes," Ch'ara said. "Please wait here. See you in a moment."

The human looked all around, intimidated. asari in the room seemed politely intrigued but apparently preferred to wait for her to relax before starting conversation. One smiled and went back to reading. Everything looked terrifyingly quiet and normal.

The walls were covered, floor to ceiling, in all kinds of posters from human movies, plays, art exhibitions, concerts... There was even a Mass Effect poster with a Marauder Shields print besides. Soft music was playing. Whatever was cooking smelled frighteningly good.

A fleeting thought went through Alice's mind: _They leave me there like they trust me. Did she really read my mind? I am so_ _not worried_ _it gives me the creeps!_

The shelves were filled with an eclectic choice of books. Everything from comics to geopolitics, recipes from all around the world, geography, novels, poetry, economy, photography, even smutty magazines.

Her observations were interrupted by a smiling asari, carrying a tray with four bowls and glasses. "Human. I come in peace," she said, smiling, then set her tray on the coffee table, sat down on a couch, and patted the cushion next to her, inviting Alice to join. Alice complied, trying not to make a fool of herself by sitting too close or too far from the alien. Since she had no idea about the proper distance, it took a few awkward tries.

"You're... Kalinandra, right?"

Her skin was sky-blue. Her pale grey eyes were slightly slanted, giving her a bit of an asian look, korean perhaps. There was something undefinably hot and seductive about her attitude, about the little smirk on her lips. And considering she was an alien, her body looked very womanly. She was wearing a simple black wrap dress. Alice's eyes drifted to her cleavage, finding the same lighter blue freckles than on her face and naked shoulders. By Alice's standards, she was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.

"Call me Kali... I'm a xenobiologist, and... I also cook."

And to top it all off, her voice was cheerful, outgoing, confident, and sexy. She didn't seem like the kind of demure beauty who needs to be protected. At all.

Alice's insides boiled and tensed. A drop of sweat ran down her forehead. Her cheeks reached a deeper shade of red. _What the fuck am I doing?!_

Kali smiled, picked up a bowl and held it right in front of Alice.

"Alice?"

Alice blinked a few times, stopped staring into Kali's eyes, and took the bowl from her hands, trying not to – _Damn me! Why did I have to put my hand on hers?_

"Relax, Alice... help yourself! Most of it comes from Earth, except for a few spices. It is safe for you to eat."

Alice meekly thanked her and examined the contents closely, intrigued. The food looked like... normal asian vegan food. Vegetables and tofu chopped into small pieces on top of rice, with sauce, and a fork stuck in. The most alien thing until now was the lack of chopsticks.

The smell reminded her that she was actually starving. She stirred her bowl with her fork , tried to dig in, but there really were no eyes, bugs, worms, or wriggling stuff.

Ch'ara and Nel came back. Ch'ara was wearing simple pale teal pants and tank top, matching her complexion. With her armor off, Alice could notice the well-defined, wiry muscles in her arms, and wondered if she was into rock-climbing.

Nel looked much more girlish, in black satin pants and a matching short-sleeved shirt. She was shorter and less athletic than Ch'ara. Still, besides the color and the tentacles on their heads, those three aliens looked pretty much like three absolutely normal, healthy, smiling women.

Ch'ara and Nel sat side by side on the couch in front of Alice, who still couldn't believe what was happening. The three asari gently laughed at her bewildered expression, grabbed their bowls and took a bite. The human followed suit, first tasting a small slice of carrot, then after an eloquent "mmh", engulfing a mouthful. It tasted very good, and that helped. Alice and the asari looked at each other, chewing, nodding, smiling.

Alice swallowed, then started right in. "So, what are you doing here?"

"We've been studying you, like we do with most non-spacefaring species," Nel replied. "Partly out of curiosity, partly to know if you could become a menace in the future. Also, we need to be ready and able to communicate with you, to understand you, for when it will be needed."

"But why me?" asked Alice.

"Simple!" Ch'ara replied, waving her fork. "This isn't a mission or anything, right? We – I mean us right here – like to talk with... normal humans, not _'take me to your leader'_ kind of people. You know... you seem like a good pick."

"We were in your favorite game," Nel continued enthusiastically. "So you followed us without asking too many questions, which is practical for us. You seem to be... very interested in us, and enjoying it. And, last but not least, if you run to the press tomorrow screaming that you are Shepard and you spent the night talking with video game characters, _no-one will ever believe you_ _ _!__ So I won't have to put date-rape drugs into your drink. It always makes me sick to have to do that."

Alice was cornered by the logic of it. "Quite the clever plan..."

Ch'ara smirked "Oh, yeah, also, it seems you tried to hit on my bondmate..."

Alice twitched backward in her seat as her entire body screamed "NO!", while the deep red on her cheeks definitely confirmed that the idea had definitely occurred to her. Nel's flustered mumbling may also have been related to what she'd seen inside Alice's mind, in that damn elevator.

Alice mumbled "Errr... and I'mmm..."

Nel interrupted. "Don't worry, it was rather flattering. Besides, Ch'ara and I didn't invite you here to take advantage of you."

Alice stopped holding her breath and quickly fumbled for another topic. "Damn, this food is delicious!"

"You're rather quiet tonight," said Ch'ara, addressing Kali.

Kali had been intently observing Alice eating, without saying a word, or eating herself, during the entire conversation. She snapped out of it, and asked Alice "Yeah? You like it?"

"Mm-mm," Alice replied with her mouth full. "it's... very good yet different, like rediscovering something... I really like it."

Kali displayed an impossibly huge toothy grin, which gave Alice pause. For an instant she felt again like a little mouse in front of a cat... but Kali seemed sincerely pleased by the compliment, then started munching voraciously. Alice wondered for a while about human versus asari dining etiquette, and felt slightly less intimidated.

The conversation resumed.

"So, how did asari end up in the game?"

"A great story, actually," Nel explained. "Liara is my little cousin, we had her on board for first year internship, and she was so young, shy, adorable, serious and smart. Really uptight, also, she got that from her mom."

"You mean..." Ch'ara added, "she spoke like a noble, eh?"

"Wait, Liara's real ?" Alice asked, fascinated.

"Well, indeed..." Nel said. "She insisted so much to visit Earth. At that time I was a huge fan of KOTOR, so instead of the whole make-up deal with wig and fake bun to hide the crest and pass as a human..." she turned her head to the side, drew a bun in the air with her finger around the tips of her crest, and went on. "We stuck those large fake tentacles on her head and she was a blue Twi'lek!"

Ch'ara brushed Nel's shoulder with her hand. "You should know that Nel is in charge of studying human sci-fi. My babe is quite the geek!"

Nel smiled proudly, then continued. "So there we went, and at some point I lost her. Later she told me that her disguise was coming off, so she ran to the bathroom to find a mirror to fix it... and, well, she ended up in the _guys_ bathroom because she wasn't familiar with the concept yet..."

"Wait..." Alice burst. "You're really monogendered? That wasn't the space babe cliché?"

Ch'ara grinned. "Yeah, really. We all have boobs. _You humans_ are fascinating, though. You look so similar to us!"

Nel kept going. "Then, in the guys bathroom, she met this nice SF writer, who didn't panic and proposed to help! I later found them talking at the bar, he had lent her a beret and a scarf to hide her crest, so no-one found out. So, yes, that was Liara, and that's how we ended up in Mass Effect."

Alice gasped. "Your little cousin Liara actually met the guy who wrote the games?"

"Yes! It was totally unplanned! Our boss was furious, and she was sent back home on the double! But it ended up so... great!"

Ch'ara laughed. "Yeah," she added, "now we have the perfect cover, and we know how humans react to us... What's the saying?"

Nel smiled. "Make love, not war, I guess. I'm pretty sure we could conquer you without a fight, if we came topless... We'd have armies of drooling zombie fans..."

The human burst into laughter, and the asari followed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Appearances...**

 _A/N_ _ _:__ _Shepard's motto is "What could possibly go wrong_ _ _?__ _"_

 _._

 **Asari underground base.**

The bowls laid empty on the tray, and their conversation showed no sign of losing momentum. After a while, it circled back around to the topic of the famous game.

"So..." Alice asked, "What's the difference between the real and in-game asari?"

Nel briefed her. "The part about our lifespan is true. We run republics... We have biotics, but it is more like telekinesis, don't expect singularities... We do meld, although I wonder how he found that out... I really don't want to know..."

Kali chuckled. "Maybe something happened in that bathroom? Oh, yeah, you noticed we're a lot less uptight and snobbish, right?"

Nel rolled her eyes. "Oh. Goddess. Well, we say Goddess... We are the most advanced race around... besides that... most of the rest is fiction, of course."

"You mean there are no Reapers, right?"

"Can't say for sure," Nel said. "but there are certainly no mass relays, no citadel. Eezo and the mass effect do exist, though. You could say the game is based on a true story, in a way..."

Alice sighed. "Phew, that's reassuring..." then, pointing at her empty bowl, she asked "What was in there?"

"Studying you includes eating local," Kali replied. "and fortunately, we're mostly compatible on food. Making sure no-one gets poisoned is part of my job."

Almost as an obvious afterthought, she excitedly added "And if they do, I get to autopsy them!"

"COME ON!", Nel sighed...

Kali went on. "Alright, alright. Well, what else? I'll give you more details some other time. Oh, most of us can't stand chocolate."

Ch'ara and Nel winced in disgust. Kali seemed strangely amused, though. Alice thought something must have been lost in translation.

Ch'ara raised, walked to the kitchen, and came back with four cookies.

Alice was dying to ask about interstellar travel, but swallowed it.

"And... about those blue babies?..."

Ch'ara laughed. "Oh yeah, the blue babies. Kali...?"

Kali enthusiastically lectured about her job. "I should have mentioned my specialty is what your people like best, I guess: food, and sex!" She cleared her throat, and went on. "Sorry about my language, in my line of work, I tend to be… exposed to... stuff. I mean, your... sexuality, and related things. You know, like watching your porn... and, of course... *ahem* hands-on experimentation! Pretty interesting if I may say. So, yeah, what was the question?"

Ch'ara reminded her. "The blue babies."

Kali laughed. "Oh, yes! _It_ doesn't result in babies, but... _it_ does feels _pretty_ _good_ _!"_

She bit her lower lip, blushed, nodded several times, all the while _not_ looking at Alice.

Alice blurted "You mean you really... uh... with humans?" and by mid-sentence, she had understood _everything_. She should have known! The whole evening was a blind date. With a gorgeous, funny, fascinating alien scientist.

Alice's eyes met Kali's stare. Alice stopped breathing. Kali seemed about to put her foot deeper in her mouth. Nel was utterly embarrassed.

Ch'ara guffawed "Come on! Making babies by looking at each other in the eyes..."

After regaining their breaths, the others nodded... Kali kindly provided the exact scientific term. "Yes. Bullshit."

Alice tried a change of subject again. "You look human, you act human, I mean your body language is spot-on..."

Nel explained. "That took a lot of training, but we have to blend in. When I go back to asari worlds... my friends make fun of me. I am kind of goofy at being an asari by now... We all are, here, I guess. And if you went there, yes, you would probably end up insulting people or causing all sorts of misunderstanding without knowing it, even without speaking a word."

She directed an accusatory look towards Kali.

Kali blurted out "WHAT? Yes, OK, I got slapped for trying human pickup tactics."

Ch'ara picked up her cookie, and teased "This one is imported from home. Take a bite, that will give you a taste of the unknown".

The human considered her cookie, examined it, smelled it with curiosity. It did look like a cookie, with a faint smell of fish. She took a bite, chewed, then looked at it in surprise.

"Damn."

The outside was crunchy, salty, with a little bit of hot chili pepper ; the cream inside had the taste and texture of raw oysters. And it left a sweet, fruity aftertaste, with a very slight whiff of turpentine. That was the weirdest dessert she ever had... and although she couldn't decide if it was delicious, disgusting, or just extremely unusual, she still ate it all and licked her fingers... out of courtesy, curiosity, but mostly because it really was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It felt great.

"That was... alien. But in a nice kind of way."

The asari looked at each other, seemingly satisfied the human could handle it. Nel took a portable terminal that was laying on the table, extended its screen, and...

"Well, let's start slow, see if you are ready. My sister's summer barbecue party."

She flipped pictures... A swimming pool with lots of people in, mostly asari in what seemed to be swimsuits... and a couple of three meter long green earthworms, also wearing swimsuits. They held their cocktails with long tendrils coming out of (hopefully) their heads.

Alice watched each picture at length, trying to take in every detail. It was fascinating. Nel explained who was who, answered Alice's questions, told anecdotes...

Nel's sister did look like her. The guy manning the barbecue was a twelve-legged spider. The aliens sunbathing on reclining seats looked even weirder, although they seemed to be wearing sunglasses, which made them look awesome. There was a tentacle monster with a huge number of likes and tags.

Everything seemed perfectly normal and fine. Alice slipped a glance towards Kali. She didn't look _that_ alien anymore. Maybe... exotic? Kali waved a tentacle from the back of her head at Alice, and smiled.

Alice reached the last picture, still not believing it. She had dreamed of epic space adventures, perhaps wandering the galaxy with her own ship, but somehow, she had forgotten to dream about all the little details. Aliens were real... they were people, they were having dinner together, everything was _normal_ , she probably had a date with one, and they posted pictures on... _Holy shit._

"You have facebook?"

Ch'ara laughed. "It's scalpbook," she said. "You didn't invent social networks..."

Nel seemed a bit embarrassed at Alice's lack of freaking out after seeing the alien aliens. She said "Hm, okay, you _are_ a quick learner... Let's tell you more, see if you scream or something."

Kali knew this was her cue. She moved slightly but visibly closer to Alice on the couch, smiled, then explained "Ok. We lay eggs, by the way. About... this big..." – she pretended to hold something in her hands, about half the size of her head, nodded to Alice, and went on. "And after hatching, we breast-feed the baby..." – she cupped her breast. "Although those produce enriched blood, not milk." – she opened her mouth, showing her sharp canine teeth. "It seems we evolved from a vampire species. Thanks Goddess we have functional nipples, and..."

Nel grabbed her wrist, silencing her before she could tell too much. Alice choked a bit, nervously rubbing a hand on her neck.

Kali shrugged, rolled her eyes, and threw her arms up, in a perfect human gesture, then complained "WHY NOT?"

The xenobiologist seemed a bit miffed over the human getting grossed out by something _that small_. She grumbled about how some creatures from Earth were way more fucked up, and mentioned the sex life of bed bugs and hermaphroditic flatworms, and "girl, get it over with".

Other people in the room chuckled, sighed and commented. "Oh Kali, always so subtle." – "Girl, need a glass of tomato juice?" – "maybe a transfusion?"

Ch'ara worried. "Are you alright?"

Alice worried a lot more. She asked "Did you bring me here to … suck my blood?"

"Goddess NO!" Nel blurted. "That would be so rude! And... also very illegal."

Kali turned fully towards Alice, and gently placed one hand on her thigh. "Well, unless you ask, and even if you do, since it's... very intimate and kinky stuff... it would need lots of trust and knowing each other. So, definitely not on our first date."

Alice reluctantly managed to remove her hand from her own neck, while Kali giggled.

Ch'ara shared a tender look with her lover, then added "It's also a part of the bonding ceremony... well, the most intense part."

Kali pragmatically went on with "Yeah, well. We're aliens, OK? We also find some of your stuff quite disgusting... like killing each other or eating animals."

Alice choked. "Wait. You're... pacifist vegan vampires?"

Nel tried to calm things down, lecturing "That vampire ancestor was a hundred millions years ago... you were tiny monkeys at this time, so I guess it would be a draw. It is much more practical to be able to eat... well, normal food, anyway. So, here, we're mostly vegan. At home, we _grow_ meat in tanks. So we don't have to kill it, which solves the problem. We're nice girls... you know..."

Alice sighed. "Phew... appearances, eh? *ahem* Was all this...a joke?"

Nel and Ch'ara showed their wrists. On the tender side where all the veins run, there were indeed two little puncture scars, and a discreet, yet elaborate bonding tatoo.

Alice's endless stream of disappointing exes flashed back into her mind.

"Shit. That does say a lot about commitment" she said.

She was a bit embarrassed and looked towards Kali, who interpreted this as a question, and began a passionate exposé of her findings, with lots of explicit gesturing, and of course trying to explain about the meld... after a while she noticed the human was not really listening, instead being mesmerized by Nel and Ch'ara, snuggling together into the couch, lost in each other's eyes, obviously completely in love.

Kali whispered "Yes, that's something we have in common..."

Right at that moment, Nel and Ch'ara's eyes turned black. Kali sighed, mumbled something, raised, grabbed Alice's wrist, and began to lead her out.

She froze at Nel's call "Hey Kali... it is late, you take care of Alice, alright?"

They said their goodnights. Ch'ara and Nel left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Blind Date**

 _ _Nutritional Warning: This chapter contains no angst.__

 _._

 **Asari underground base.**

Even the bathroom was normal. It had a toilet, a sink... and everything was so impeccably clean that she'd almost felt sorry to use it.

Alice rubbed her face in front of the mirror.

 _The others yawned and said goodnight before leaving. You don't do that before preparing the operating room to dissect me... or to make human sushi... And I just can't picture them being evil. I think I'm safe. I guess..._

Alice didn't want to leave. Everything inside her wanted to drop to her knees and beg Kali to take her to the stars. It was overwhelming.

 _But... Either the whole evening is a misunderstanding, or this really is a blind date. Kali's sexual innuendo and staring at my tits can't just mean "we come in peace"... What the hell should I do...?_

She was used to the blind date routine. When the guy would realize she was, usually by far, the smarter one, he would suddenly "not deserve her", "respect her too much", or "want to be friends", then run away to nurse his bruised ego, and never call again.

 _And now, this._

Alice had a fantasy, deep down inside her lonely heart. She just wanted someone who would not worship her, or feel threatened by her, or any of that angsty crap. She wanted something normal and simple.

Compared to Kali, she'd probably be a cavewoman. She'd learn new things everyday...

 _Hmm... I'd love to work here! Maybe they'd take interns?_

Alice had a bit of confidence. A bit of cynicism. She was a bit of a renegade. She thought about the way Kali filled her dress, and a delicious warmth invaded her...

 _She's so damn gorgeous and out of my league and... an alien! This is insane, but... if I don't do it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life._

She did her best to tame the butterflies in her stomach, opened the door, and emerged back into the common room. It looked very different, dark and inviting, as the only light came from the candles on the coffee table. A scent of flowers. The background music was a whisper.

 _God. I'm done for._

Alice's resolve had lasted all of three steps. She stopped dead in her tracks, right in front of Kali, who had been waiting for her, standing. The asari wrung her hands. "You took so long I was afraid you might have had, uh... second thoughts..."

Alice mumbled something and flushed like never before.

Kali caught her in an embrace, adding "I'm sorry about all the bad jokes... I can't keep my foot out of my mouth. Don't be scared."

The hug was warm, pleasant, gentle, and long enough for Alice to notice her arms were hanging limp at her sides. She hugged Kali back, and found the nerve to whisper "I'd like to stay... get to know you better..."

Kali sounded relieved as she replied "Me too." She sat Alice down by her side on the couch. Besides the candles, on the coffee table, were two bottles and glasses. Vodka and juice.

After a long, awkward silence, spent listening to her heart beating way too fast, Alice inquired "What were Nel and Ch'ara doing right in front of us? Making love? Their eyes turned black..."

"Not really," Kali grumbled "it's more like sharing their minds... but I am _so single_ that I will vomit rainbows if I have to watch such soppy romantism for more than two seconds. And they do it for _hours_!"

Alice giggled nervously. "Wow, you really spend too much time on the internet!"

Kali regained her composure. "You have no idea what they were doing, right?"

"Well, we melded in the elevator... she wanted to check on me..."

Kali seemed sorry. "Goddess... your first time, inside an elevator, of all places. Did it work?"

Alice smiled, and answered in a dreamy tone "It was... very intriguing... and..."

Before she finished her sentence, Kali interrupted with "It really worked? You also felt her presence?"

"Yes, she felt nice, but she didn't show anything else. She said 'I'm not single'."

Kali stared at her, then poured herself a glass of vodka, downed it and muttered "Goddess!"

Alice ventured "Can you show me... biotics? I didn't dare to ask before."

Kali closed her eyes, drew a deep breath, extended a glowing hand, and lifted a book from the shelf with her mind. She made it slowly fly towards Alice, but half-way her hand began to shake, and she lost focus. The book fell to the floor. She seemed strained and tired by the effort, panting.

"You see... not quite useful..."

Alice was still quite impressed, but as Kali downed another drink, she wondered "Why do I get this fruit cocktail, while you get vodka?"

Kali laughed. "I shouldn't take advantage of drunk aliens, no matter how insanely fascinating and cute they may be."

Alice gulped, flushed, and had really no idea what to do. She attempted a "That was... direct..."

Kali frantically tried to disarm the situation. "Was I too direct? You know, asari dating is veeeery long, subtle and complicated... while on the other hand, the way you guys do it is... damn, did I say something completely inappropriate again?"

Alice actually loved the way this gorgeous alien scientist was trying to hit on her across the cultural barrier in a completely misguided and goofy way. How she had turned from a very confident professional into a shy, mumbling mess, desperately trying not to ruin her chances. Kali was such a failure in that matter that she dearly reminded Alice of herself... And she found this horribly cute. Alice poured herself a shot of vodka, and moved a little bit closer to Kali.

"So... those tentacles on your head..."

Kali displayed all her teeth in a perfect grin. "Yes. Of course. They are for latching onto prey while we suck the blood out."

Before Alice managed to rise and run away, Kali tackled her into submission on the couch, laughing. "Come on. They're also our biotic sensory organs. I can sense your presence, mood and heart rate, even if you hide behind that wall. Evolution-wise, that's a killer feature. And they do flop around!"

Kali made her tentacles go limp and turned her head left and right, which resulted in a mess of blue appendages flopping. Alice burst into laughter.

Kali waved a tentacle, slowly, so Alice could observe. The first inch or two near the base was fixed to her skull, but the rest appeared soft and free to move. As Alice seemed extremely intrigued, Kali leaned forward and let her touch.

It felt really weird, warm, squishy yet firm, and... very much alive. it wiggled and curled itself around her finger. It didn't have any suckers, though. Alice wondered if suckers would make it sexier... Her curiosity won. She investigated. She poked, squeezed, fiddled, bent and tickled.

Alice noticed too late that Kali was gone. Right when she let out a loud, uncontrolled moan, clutched Alice's thigh, and let her head fall into her lap.

Alice gasped and quickly removed her hands, then a wave of red spread over her face as she realized she had no idea what she'd just done... although it seemed to have been pleasant enough. The asari was purring in delight, softly rubbing her face against Alice's belly.

 _Damn, she got me. I should really have seen that coming._

"Did you... did I...?"

Kali purred "Mmmmh. A little."

Alice grumbled "You could have warned me, you know."

"I could have. Don't you like surprises?"

"How did that feel like?"

"If we meld, you will know."

Alice gasped "Holy shit."

Taking advantage of the opening, Kali reached for a drawer under the couch, and picked up a navy blue polar fleece blanket. Then, she turned over, her head still in Alice's lap, but now looking at her eye to eye, and smiled.

She kicked her shoes off, slid a toe under her socks and pulled them away. Then, she covered herself with the blanket, leaving only her head out. She made no effort to keep her tentacles tucked behind her head; they were strewn across Alice's lap.

 _Those eyes... and her smile!_ Alice thought, with a silent laugh. She was cornered between an extremely comfortable couch, and an adorable alien doing her best to get into her pants. She placed her hand on the blanket, feeling Kali's shoulder below.

Kali meekly said "This isn't for my work, or studying you, alright? It's just you and me... I _really_ don't want to screw up with you. Will you... please... help me?"

Alice was at first flattered, then... flabbergasted. "You're asking for my help to flirt with me?"

"Uh... Well, yeah... Am I doing well? Would you like a bit more vodka?"

Alice had a little giggling fit, considering how things were going. Kali seemed really sincere, almost pleading. That was insanely cute. She tried to explain. "Well, normally, we'd talk a lot about ourselves, and if you feel I'm interested, you'd make a bold move." - her mind went on - _like pin me on that couch and kiss me right now, oh God yes!... uh... when did it get so hot?_

Kali smirked "Good, then. Biotic perk!... I can sense you're... very interested! I wish you could see it... Alice, you are a beacon of horniness."

She grabbed Alice's hand, and pulled it under the blanket, resting it on her belly.

 _So warm and soft..._ *gulp*

Alice tried to push away the thought of her lips on the alien's skin and attempted a futile last-ditch defense, blurting out a shy "But, I am, *ehrm*, straight!" – she forgot to add "unless I'm drunk enough to dare act my fantasies", but Kali made her feel tipsy anyway.

Kali grinned, savouring her victory, and nailed "I'm not exactly a woman, you know?"

Then, she lectured playfully "We refer to ourselves as girls and use 'she', because _you_ see us that way. It's more convenient for everyone. Alice, don't overthink it. I'm just me, alright?"

During the entire speech, her hand had been playing with Alice's hair. She rose from Alice's lap to sit by her side, eye to eye, and went on. "Alice, we're adults, I guess... I should say it... Will you meld with me?"

After a long, heavy silence, Alice inquired... "How does this work?"

"Don't take your clothes off yet, we're not going to make love right now, okay? Just... lie down... I will tell you what to do. Don't worry."

Alice reclined down on the couch. Kali motioned Alice's legs apart and sat between them. She gently laid her back upon Alice, her head resting on her shoulder, cheek to cheek.

She whispered "Hold me...", and Alice complied. Kali wrapped the blanket around them.

"The Meld is communication... We use it for many things, like learning, teaching, sharing, getting to know each other... or as a deeper form of... conversation. It... defines what we are, biologically and culturally, Alice. Alright? Of course, it really enhances the... the sex, but it is much more than that."

Alice nodded... Kali added "So, right now, we're just going to... get to know each other a bit better, and see where it goes..."

Alice's thoughts were quite the mess, as she considered how fucked-up it was for her first contact with friendly aliens to almost reach making love after only a few hours... but on the other hand... Kali's weight on her chest, the delicious warmth they shared under the blanket, Kali's belly under her hands, and Kali's hands on top... her fingers softly running on Alice's forearm, then settling right where they should be. Tentacles softly tickling her neck. Everything was _just right_. This was it. She shivered, and felt her heart rise in her throat.

Kali then turned around, snuggled her face into Alice's neck, and embraced her too. They wiggled against each other, basking in the warmth of their embrace.

Then, Kali said in all simplicity "Human. Your alien overlord needs a bit more cuddling."

That sent them both in a hectic giggling fit. It was Just what Alice needed...

Kali asked "There is so much I'd like to show you... Are you afraid?"

Alice replied "Yeah..."

Kali took a deep breath and said, in a surprisingly sad voice "You know, two hundred years old is enough for lots of regrets and missed opportunities... So I'd rather be too brash and direct, rather than just watch you walk away. And, yeah, I'm afraid too..."

She closed her eyes, wiggled and snuggled against Alice, pleading "I'm in your arms... Am I that scary? What are you waiting for? You say the words, I'll do the rest."

Alice ventured "Embrace Eternity?"

She did her best to control the unconscious urge to reject the alien presence. Alice imagined a kiss to welcome her, since it had worked last time. That worked a little too well however, as Kali was much more... eager than Nel, and her purposes clearly different. They found themselves sucked into a sloppy, wet, scorching hot mental kiss. Alice felt their motionless bodies, which made it all even weirder.

Their thoughts locked together.

"Wait, what?"

"What's wrong?"

"This kiss doesn't feel like a kiss at all!"

They stopped for a while and realized kissing simply was a completely different experience for a human and an asari... Then, Kali frantically moved her hand all over Alice's body, softly poking with a finger... and felt Alice's sense of touch feeding back into her mind, in the correct spots, but with different sensations. She urged Alice to do the same, and it also worked. Kali sent a memory of her family, of her baby sister coming out of her egg shell, holding one of her fingers in her tiny blue hand, which moved Alice to tears.

Kali asked "How do you feel? Any ill effects?"

Alice couldn't find any words, but her thoughts were clear enough. She wanted more.

Kali let her feelings flow through, and did her best to reassure Alice she wasn't just a scientific experiment. They were both amazed by their feelings being so similar: surprised at falling for each other so quickly, absolutely delighted, and scared about where this would go. Alice suspected Kali tried to hide how scared she was, though.

They shared random memories and feelings as they popped into their minds, from the whimsical and funny to the deeper and much more personal. Some things were off-limits, of course, especially asari technology, but that wasn't the point. They talked using images, perfumes, feelings, music... They saw each other for who they really were, and when they compared to how they had imagined each other before melding, they burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"Oh, Goddess, you're so..."

"You too, Alice, and you said Goddess. I'm flattered."

"Huh. I expected you to flood my head with naughty thoughts, though..."

"You like surprises."

Alice laughed... "What about mind-sharing like you said?"

"Hmmm... alright."

 _They are both adrift together, weightless in the air, basking in the warm sunlight caressing their skin. Kali summons a breathtaking landscape from another world. Alice adds an extra moon, flowers and birds. They stay like that for a while, enjoying each other, then Kali slowly brings them back to reality._

"We're inside each other's imaginations... it can be anything we want, really."

Alice takes her turn. _She is on the top of a mountain, as the first rays of sunlight begin to shine. She feels the icy cold air in her lungs, runs her hand through the frosted grass, and watches as the dawn enraptures the valley below, while Kali is holding her._

Their memories were no longer fragments from the past; they could make them alive again, share them, write stories with them. They focused on bringing out something Alice had almost completely forgotten, an insignificant moment from her younger life... and spent hours filled with bittersweet nostalgic recollections.

When they finally opened their eyes, Alice summed it all up. "God. This is the best day of my life."

Kali looked at her, and they saw each through the other's eyes. They gasped.

Their photo-receptor cells had different peaks. Kali had an additional type, sensitive in the near-infrared. Their field of view was different. Everything was different. Perhaps it was the meld playing tricks... or their own minds. They could not agree on how exactly each color should look like. Alice insisted her hair did not really look that fiery and sublime... or could it? Kali could not respond, as she was lost playing with it.

"Damn, you know how to flatter a girl!" Alice said.

Hours passed. They ended up too tired to go on. Kali smiled at Alice's sleepy eyes, and remarked "you're drifting off..."

Alice's "I guess...I should go, then..." made Kali wince, but she helped her to her feet. They exchanged phone numbers, and promised to call, then hugged, then promised again.

They were both expecting the other to say or do something which didn't come. Kali's eyes begged, but she didn't dare.

Kali quickly slipped on her long sleeves, a corny human-colored balaclava and wig with fake dreadlocks. It was 4AM, that would do. She blindfolded Alice again.

In the elevator, once more they promised to call. Kali asked for a few strands of hair as a souvenir, "just in case". Alice plucked and offered them.

Right before helping her into the taxi, Kali put something into Alice's hand, folded her fingers around it, then kissed her hand. She said "This is what I should have put into your drink. If you take it before falling asleep, you will forget everything. Please... please throw it away."

She sobbed, and ran away.

Later, in the taxi, the driver inquired why Alice looked so bad, as if she just had a breakup.

She opened the window and threw the little pill away.


End file.
